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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the
road?
A: Because it was chicken.
Q: What robs you while you’re in the
bathtub?
A: A robber ducky.
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Puddle Crossing
Traveling down a remote country
road one
day, a motorist came to a stop in
front of a giant puddle covering
the entire road. He noticed a farmer
leaning on a fence,
contemplating the puddle. "Hey
mister, do you think it's safe to
cross?" he yelled.
"Oh, I reckon so." The farmer
replied.
The man drove on into the puddle,
where his car was immediately
swallowed up. The puddle was so deep
he had to escape through the
window
and swim back to the edge. When he
climbed out he was furious with the
farmer. "I thought you said it was
safe to cross!"
The farmer stood back and scratched
his head. "Well, heck, it only came
up chest-high on the ducks!" |
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A mother and her young son returned from
the grocery store and began putting away
the groceries. The boy opened a box of
animal crackers and spread them out all
over the table. "What are you doing?"
his mother asked. "The box says not to
eat them if the seal is broken" the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
"Personally I stay away from natural
foods. At my age I need all the
preservatives I
can get."
George Burns
Q: What do you get when you cross a
hamburger with a computer?
A: A big mac! |
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Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the
disco?
He had no body to dance with!
‘I grew up with six brothers. That’s how
I learned to dance – waiting for the
bathroom.’
Bob Hope
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Did you hear about the
overweight ballerina? She
had to wear a three-three. |
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A warthog hits a lady and the husband
calls 911.
The
operator asks, "Where are you at"?
The
husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic
Road."
The
operator asks, "Can you spell that for
me?"
"Well...
I'll just drag her over to Oak so you
can you pick her up there?" |
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Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows
open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's
twenty below outside!"
Printer problems
I had been doing Tech Support for
Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call
with a problem I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow. All the
other colors would print fine, which
truly baffled me because the only true
colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For
instance, green is a combination of cyan
and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine
except for yellow. I had the customer
change ink cartridges. I had the
customer delete and reinstall the
drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my
coworkers for help; they offered no new
ideas.
After
over two hours of troubleshooting, I was
about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she
asked quietly, "Should I try printing on
a piece of white paper instead of this
yellow paper?"
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What do you get when you drop a piano
down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on
an army base?
A flat major.
Did you hear about the stupid pianist
who kept banging his head against the
keys?
He was playing by ear. |
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A kindergarten teacher
was observing her
classroom of children
while they drew. She
would occasionally walk
around to see each
child's artwork. As she
got to one little girl
who was working
diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm
drawing God."
The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows
what God looks like."
Without missing a beat,
or looking up from her
drawing, the little girl
replied, "They will in a
minute." |
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A middle management executive has to take on
some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he
decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks
his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's
going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the
court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my
brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back
hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really?
What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my
body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
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