By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

"Johnny, stop crying and get control of yourself!" "Susie, if you can't control yourself, go to your room!" It seems we spend the first 18 to 21 years of our lives "getting control of ourselves"...whatever that means.

The first thing we control is our breathing. We didn't breathe while in the womb, but most of us began shortly thereafter. Breathing is the only vital function over which we can easily exercise conscious control. Or we can give up that control and our unconscious minds take over control and we continue to breathe.

During the first three years of our lives, we learned to control: our breathing, eating, our arms, legs, bowels, bladders, voices, movements and sounds (language). By age five, we had "things pretty much under control." We might have learned to manipulate and control our parents, brothers, sisters, our daily activities and perhaps even a family pet.

When we start school, the rules of control expand. We begin to get control of our environment, our thinking, our feelings and our opinions. We learn to control inanimate objects. We practice thinking, logic and conceptualization. We internalize values and opinions, a self-concept and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world in which we live. Most of us become "civilized" through controlled practice.

If we were raised in a threatening, painful or fearful environment, then we perceive the world to be unsafe for us and we may try to control every little thing we do or everything that happens (or might happen) to us. Our control becomes our defensive protection from perceived, or anticipated threat.

Do you always have to feel "in control?" Do you try to control the behavior of others? Do you become scared (anxious) when you feel out of control? Do you resist or rebel against others' attempts to be in control...or to control you? We usually feel unsafe being out of control. We usually worry a lot when we can't control events or others. Worry is our mental attempt to control that which is impossible to physically control.

"Control issues" arise when we try to maintain that control when it is no longer necessary or desirable to do so. If we are always "uptight," defensive, manipulating, demanding or attempting to control everything, then we become highly stressed, fatigued or "burned-out." When we feel pressure to always be doing something, always be thinking, or always performing some activity (usually work), then we become very tired and our bodies eventually call us to a sometimes painful, screaming halt. We become ill, we break down, we cry or laugh uncontrollably, and we become frightened about "losing control" of our minds...or of ourselves.

The antidote for control breakdown is to regularly lose it voluntarily. By the time we are adults, there are very few survival skills which are not automatic (under unconscious control), and we no longer have to exercise conscious control over them. We can afford to let ourselves go. We can risk letting go of conscious control of almost everything. After all, we let go of conscious control of everything at night when we fall asleep.

The most psychologically healthy way to control yourself as a grown-up is to regularly give it up. Periodically, stop thinking, stop doing things, stop working, stop all activity (both mental and physical), and allow yourself to "just be." Learn to control your stress level, your anxiety and worry, your energy level...your life, through regularly letting go of your controls. Control yourself by not controlling yourself. It is freeing, revitalizing and fun.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail:

DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.