The Fun in Ageing
Sam goes to the doctor
for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said
the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my
age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think
I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you
drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty
meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful
about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do
you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or
skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never
engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the
doctor, “then why in the world would you want to
live to be 80?
Three Sisters
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a
house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went
upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the
tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two
sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and
see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused.
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table
drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and
called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I
see who's at the door."
Old Age Quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year
old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking
woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish
the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a
place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
Perks Of Being over the Hill
·
Things that you buy now won't wear out.
·
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
·
You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
·
Your investment in health insurance is finally paying
off.
·
You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter
who walks into the room.
·
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them anyway.
·
You can sing along with elevator music.
·
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
guy on the television.
·
Your eyes won't get too much worse.
·
People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you????”
·
You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
·
No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
·
You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
I am a senior citizen...
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts
'till 8pm.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without
my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever
I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me
to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a
word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and
over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are
not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before
the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure
place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just
my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words
like... uh...
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you
feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having
the time of my life... Aren't I?
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their
balance
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just
get wasted
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their
structures
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another
world
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go
batty
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on
dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their
figures
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the
gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose
their finesse
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get
consolidated
You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't
hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't
been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending
in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the
questions.
In Memoriam
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks
if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
When your joints are more accurate than the
weatherman's, you know you're getting older!
"Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What
happened?'" --Ann Landers
"The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have
become even older." --Doug Larson
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard
Baruch
You're getting older when you are on vacation and your
energy runs out before your money does
"I'm not saying she's getting older, but when she lit
the candles on her birthday cake, five people passed out
from heat exhaustion."
An antique dealer told me, "Age is what makes
furniture worth more and people worth less."
Grandpa said, "By the time a man finds greener
pastures, he's too old to climb the fence."
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