Fun with the Birds

Teacher – What is the difference between a bird and fly?
Student – Well……a bird can fly……..but a fly can’t bird.…

Q: What grows down, when it grows up?
A: A goose.…

Q. What is smarter than a talking bird?
A. A spelling bee…

Q: When should you buy a bird?
A: When it’s going cheep!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Q: Why do ducks fly south?
A: Because it’s too far to walk!

Q: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
A: He was catching all the chickens!

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers.

Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?
A: Because it was chicken.

Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?
A: A robber ducky.

DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, ‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on     the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.’ ‘Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!’     ‘I     REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!’ When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.

Just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled:

‘Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!’ To which the parrot replied, ‘Get him, Spike!’

So, you see, men just don’t listen !

GASSED BUGDIE

This story goes back to the time when gas appliances in England were being converted from methane to natural gas.  A friend of Trevor’s called Barney had a good job as a fitter of these replacement gas appliances.   It was a lovely job because they were paid on piece rate.  The more houses they could convert, the more they earned.

Barney got faster and faster at his job.  He was expert at unscrewing the old oven and boiler parts, then whipping in the new fittings.  He was so good that he could even convert the appliances without turning off the gas at the mains.  Now to pull off this trick Barney trained his breathing along the lines of those boys who dive for oysters.  He would take a huge lungful of air,  take off with the old fitting – O.K. so gas escapes, but he soon whacked in the new shiny new joint, and then gasped another breath from an open window.  There was one other proviso for this risky shortcut, the owner had to be out.

One day he knocked on the door, explained to the lady that he had come from the gas board about their north sea conversion.  The owner was delighted that she was finally going to move from the smelly old gas to the new natural gas.  She told Barney that she just had to pop to the shops and as her husband was working in the garden, Barney could go ahead with his fitting.  Great thought Barney, this will be a quick job, no need to turn off the gas at the mains.  The boiler was no trouble, but one of the jets in the oven was rusty and crusted.  Even though the gas was escaping, Barney sprayed a can of WD-40 on the obstinate fitting and eventually it unscrewed and he whisked on the replacement part.

As Barney came up for air, to his horror, he spotted that the budgie in the kitchen was lying on its back at the bottom of his cage.  It was not looking good, and to add to his trouble he could see the lady opening the gate at the bottom of the garden.  What to do?  Being resourceful, Barney cut a length of fuse wire and wrapped it around the dead budgie’s legs and tethered him to his perch.  As a nice touch he even set the perch rocking, and then turned and met the lady in the door way. ‘All done,’   Barney said as he sauntered down the path to the gate.

‘Good grief, my budgie,’ said the lady.  Barney picked up the lady’s bad vibes and his chances of legging it were not improved by the sudden appearance of the woman’s husband blocking his exit. ‘Come back here,’ she said, and as his escape was cut off by the husband, he had no option but to turn and face the music.

‘It’s  a miracle’, the lady said, ‘when I left this morning, my budgie was dead, now he’s  jumped up on his perch and is swinging away happy as you please’

~Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"

~A duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick. The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!" 

~Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four it would be a sedan.

~A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing?" The parrot replies, "In France, there are millions of them!" 

~Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!

~Question: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Answer: I'll tell you tomorrow!