Medical Humour

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City.  Since he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.

After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said,” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 
- Erma Bombeck

Brian, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- Rita Rudner

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
- Jay London

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”

 I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion. “I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.

“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.

Neither, my wife’s.

“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”

“Oh yeah?” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: “No hablo inglés.”
- Ronnie Shakes

A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.” The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”

My doctor’s office has a foolproof way to collect. You pay your bill before you leave or you don’t get your clothes back.

A colleague and I were fitting clothes for a fashion show benefit. All the models were residents of our small town, including the local doctor. He tried on one outfit and then asked, “what should I do next?” gleefully seizing the opportunity my friend replied, “go to the dressing room remove your clothes put on a paper robe and wait.”  -Terry L. Roschak

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'

'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asked him how he was feeling.

“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!”

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself.

”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
… Because he felt crummy.

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?" 
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?" 
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"