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Conflict resolution is, in theory, quite simple. Yet who among us
hasn’t experienced times when our common sense flies
out the
window and even the most basic skills desert
us. Those times demonstrate that conflict resolution
may be simple, but is far from easy. Let’s see why.
Most approaches to collaborative conflict resolution
incorporate a few common principles:
• Hear the other person out
• Ask them the reasons for their perspective
• Explain your perspective
• Explore ways to move forward
This seems pretty basic and logical, yet conflict
often devolves into an argument (or is avoided at
all costs for fear it will erupt.) Even conflict
resolution professionals will sheepishly admit to
“losing it” from time to time in the heat of the
moment. A friend and colleague is an M.I.T. graduate
and former aerospace engineer. He tells people “this
conflict resolution stuff isn’t rocket science –
it’s a lot harder.” What makes it so?
I blame our “gremlins” - imaginary, invisible beings
who revel in causing mischief. In his simple, yet
insightful book Taming Your Gremlin: A Guide to
Enjoying Yourself, Richard Carson uses the term to
represent the unhelpful inner voice – the “narrator
in your head”. In applying Carson’s work to
conflict, I’ve discovered specialized “conflict
gremlins” that hinder us from resolving conflict
effectively. They usually reflect our natural
impulse to fight, flight or freeze. In fairness to
our gremlins, they mean well and believe they are
helping us survive. But the fight or flight impulse
that serves to protect us from a physical threat
will undermine our efforts to resolve interpersonal
conflict.
A fight gremlin, for example, fuels our
self-righteousness and urges us to protect ourselves
by attacking the other person (or their harebrained
ideas.) If you find yourself thinking “How dare
they!” “What a jerk.” and “I don’t have to take
this!” you are likely tuning in to your fight
gremlin. Flight gremlins, on the other hand,
reinforce our role as innocent (and helpless)
victim, whose survival depends on avoiding the
conflict. Thoughts like “Get me out of here!” or
“Help – this isn’t safe.” earmark the flight
gremlin. Even the impulse to freeze in the face of
conflict stems from a basic survival impulse (“if I
don’t move, maybe I’ll blend in with the woodwork
and no one will notice me”.) While this may work for
a deer in the woods, it hardly helps us resolve a
conflict.
So what can you do with your gremlins? Firstly,
acknowledge and accept them. Debating your gremlin
simply empowers it and distracts you. You’ll be
better off to reflect on when and why they appear.
In the movie A Beautiful Mind the central character,
John Nash, is asked whether he still sees his
imaginary friends (symptomatic of his mental
disorder.) He replies“No, they’re not gone. But I’ve
gotten used to ignoring them and as a result I think
they’ve given up on me.” This is sound advice for
dealing with gremlins. Gremlins are so effective in
sabotaging our conflicts because we don’t even
recognize them. Here are a few things you can do to
keep your gremlins from sabotaging you in conflict:
1. Know your triggers. We all experience certain
behaviours, mannerisms or words that anger us and
dim our capacity to reason. Being aware of your
triggers allows you to depersonalize those attacks,
maintain your cool, and deal with these behaviours
constructively.
2. Remember to breathe. As elementary as this
sounds, the tension that accompanies conflict often
constricts our breathing at a time we most need to
relax and centre ourselves. Even taking one or two
deep breaths will buy some time to assess the
situation and avoid knee-jerk reactions. (And while
you’re breathing in, you won’t be talking!)
3. Develop an inner coach to remind you what you
know in theory, but forget in the moment. You inner
coach might remind you to “breathe”, reassure you
that “this isn’t life-threatening” or encourage you
to “slow down”. You can create an inner coach by
asking yourself what you would most want to remember
in the heat of a potential conflict. I’ve found the
mantra “stay curious” has proven invaluable over the
years, both personally and professionally.
Skills and knowledge are necessary to resolve
conflict, but will be useless unless we remember to
employ them. So next time you find yourself in
conflict watch for your gremlin. When it appears,
acknowledge it, thank it for its input, but trust
your inner coach instead. You will be pleasantly
surprised at how “simple” things will seem and how
effective you will be.
For more on conflict gremlins, get
Gary Harper’s book, The Joy of Conflict Resolution.
For more on gremlins in everyday life, see Richard
Carson’s book Taming Your Gremlin: A Guide to
Enjoying Life
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