Usually we enter
relationships hoping they will make us
happy. We hope that this one is the right
one, that we are not repeating mistakes of
the past, and that finally we will receive
the love, support and companionship we have
been seeking.
Although this approach to relationships is
normal, it usually brings disappointment
because happiness comes and goes. It has to,
because happiness depends upon
circumstances. When things go well, we are
happy. When we get what we want, when the
sun is shining, others value us, our
boyfriend finally pops the question, these
are moments of happiness.
Joy is different. It doesn't come and go, or
depend upon outer circumstances. When things
are difficult, when our hopes are not
fulfilled, it is still possible to feel
joyful. Joy is a positive decision we have
made about ourselves, and others. It
involves taking responsibility for our lives
and relationships. How much joy do you have
in your love life? Here are five ways to
find joy in relationships:
Stop Blaming Your Partner for Your
Disappointments
When we're in a relationship, it's very easy
to fall into blaming our partner for our
disappointments, but it's one of the most
significant ways we destroy our own joy and
peace of mind. It is also one of the biggest
ways we undermine the other person.
If you want to find more joy in your
relationship, realize that if you are upset,
it does not necessarily mean that something
is wrong with your partner. Finding joy in a
relationship comes down to understanding
that it is your own expectations that have
disappointed you. When we do not put heavy
expectations on our partners, but are
willing to spend time getting to know them
and discover who they are, blame dissolves
more easily. Other people have the right to
be who they are and to express it. Your
partner has not been put on this earth to
make you happy. No one can do that, except
you, yourself. Your partner is here to share
life with, to learn to be open, accepting
and to grow.
Discover the Art of True Giving
There is a huge difference between giving to
another and giving so you can get something
back in return. When we are secretly waiting
for what’s in it for us, this is nothing
more than manipulation. On the other hand,
joy is based upon true giving. When we learn
to give sincerely, it is almost impossible
to be upset. The giving itself is its own
return.
True giving means generosity with no strings
attached. It's giving your partner something
that he would like, not something that
pleases you. It means taking time to know
the person and being willing to meet his
needs. Some people fear giving, feeling that
they will be drained or stripped bare. But
the opposite is true. The more we give, the
more we have. Giving brings a sense of
fullness and kindness, the basis for the
development of joy.
There are many things that can be given,
everything from time and attention to
acknowledging what makes you happy in the
relationship. Want to put this plan into
action? Make a list of all the things you
could give your partner. Then make a list of
the things you'd like him to give you. When
you see these two lists side by side, you'll
be amazed. See if you can give your partner
what they want, regardless of whether they
can do the same for you.
Give Up Trying to Change the Other Person
The incessant desire to fix or change the
other person is one of the biggest thieves
of joy. Plus, it causes power struggles
within relationships and issues of control.
One person feels she cannot love the other
unless the other changes. The other feels
hurt, inadequate and as though something is
wrong with him.
Finding joy in a relationship means having
the ability to love your partner as they
are. Our partners have been put here to
grow, develop and discover who they are.
This can be a lengthy and challenging
process. But the surprising thing about
change is that the less we push and
disapprove of others, the more easily and
naturally they grow and change.
Learn How to Really Listen
There is no better way of giving to another
than really listening. Most of the time we
hear what our partners are saying, but have
no idea how to listen. Listening involves
getting out of your own mind and truly being
there with the other person. It means
stopping the little voice inside your head
(the one that always comments or thinks
about what it is going to say next). It
means stopping the inner arguer and becoming
quiet and available. When you really listen
to another, in that moment, you have given
up your own expectations of what you want
them to say or to be, and are able to be
present for them. This is an enormous gift
you are giving. In fact, to many, being
really listened to feels like being loved.
Give Up Trying to Change the Other Person
The incessant desire to fix or change the
other person is one of the biggest thieves
of joy. One person feels she cannot love the
other unless that person changes. The other
feels hurt, inadequate and as though
something is wrong with him. The person who
wants the change to happen becomes more and
more frustrated as the other one withdraws
or refuses to change for her. That's where
the phrase, "if you loved me enough you
would change," comes from.
Finding joy in a relationship means having
the ability to love your partner as they are
here to grow, develop and discover who they
are. This can be a lengthy and challenging
process. But the surprising thing about
change is that the less we push and
disapprove of others, the more easily and
naturally they change.
Develop Patience
Patience is an old-fashioned word in today's
world.. However, there is no way to rush
growth in relationships or in the
development of joy. If you're eager to get
on the right track, there are two ways to
get started: Learn how to be more giving and
make an effort to be a better listener. But
each one of these tasks takes time to master
-- and patience. That's why it is necessary
to realize that as we are, right now at this
moment, we are lovable and acceptable. If
you're ready to increase the amount of joy
you feel in your own relationship, take back
the responsibility for finding joy in your
life, you will be pleased at the results.
Author: Brenda
Shoshanna
Discover the surprising
truths about love in top selling program
Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws to
Successful Relationships). Get copy at
www.truthaboutlove.com, Psychologist and
award winning author has helped thousands.
Get free ezine and articles at
www.brendashoshanna.com, topspeaker@yahoo.com.
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