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Funny Quotations
"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great
deal of it is absolutely fatal."
- Oscar Wilde
It is always the best policy to speak the truth -
unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Jerome K. Jerome
"Well,
if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the
phone?"
- James Thurber
"If
God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."
- Mel Brooks
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
hire public relations officers."
- Daniel J. Boorstin
When you are
waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connoly
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing,
moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just
common sense, dancing.”
-
William James
"The shortest distance
between two points is under construction."
- Noelie Altito
The Law
"A
jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has
the better lawyer."
- Robert Frost
Theft and
Thieves
Birthdays
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the
people who have the most live the longest.
-
Larry Lorenzoni
To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
-
Bernard M. Baruch
Music
Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will
turn into a tune.
- Kin Hubbard
We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one
of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be
depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.
- Mark Twain
Cold
Weather
This cold weather is really something.
The bathroom in our hotel room was equipped with hot and
cold running ice cubes.
"I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold
outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to
be hot today, I don't understand!'"
- Steven Wright
Dust
"All we are is dust in the wind. Dust.
Wind. DUDE."
--Ted "Theodore" Logan
Grandpa Randolph from “The Dust
factory”: Dust is a funny thing. Its everywhere all at
once
Rain
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
-- George Carlin
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair
weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost
Speech/es
"A graduation ceremony is an event where the
commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed
in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the
key to success."
— Robert
Orben
"What this country needs is more free speech worth
listening to."
— Hansell B.
Duckett
Cars and
driving
"If everything seems under control you’re not
going fast enough"-Mario Andretti
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower
than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.
"Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement
truck, I think of how the valve on the truck
could suddenly open, spilling cement over my
car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly
fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I
awaken five years later to find my wife
remarried to my best friend. But then I think
maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are
the odds of *that* happening again?"
Jack Handy
Sport
Anybody who watches three games of football in a
row should be declared brain dead.
Erma Bombeck
Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society:
violence punctuated by committee meetings.
George Will
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man
who is playing golf with his boss.
Jim Murray.
Halloween
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
Halloween.
Charles Swartz
Ghosts, like ladies,
never speak till spoke to.
Richard Harris Barharn
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on
Halloween.
Erma Bombeck
Families
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -
waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring
close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns
"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael
Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings
for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby
Valentine's Day
"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I
think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming
at me with a weapon."
~Unknown
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
~Unknown
"Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight."
~Phyllis Diller
"The Eskimos have 52 words for snow
because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love."
~Margaret Atwood
"No matter how love sick a woman is,
she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along."
~Joyce Brothers
"Love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and
play from your heart." ~Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you
rephrase the question?"
~Lily Tomlin
Cultural
pursuits
"I got kicked out of
ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."
- Rita Rudner
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