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Effective
Listening: Listen, Learn, Achieve! In the last issue of the Mind Tools newsletter, we learned that the different types or levels of communication include: 1) Facts; 2) Thoughts and Beliefs; and 3) Feelings and Emotions. And we looked at how to best respond to each. The common denominator here is to stop talking and to really pay attention to the speaker and the message he or she is delivering. Now, we look at more listening tools, including ones we believe will make a very strong impact on your overall success as you work to become a better listener. Effective "Parroting" Having already established the importance of stopping talking, you may find that the strongest tool you can use to ensure you hear the message being sent to you is to simply paraphrase (use your own words) in “parroting” back the message to the sender. When doing this, strive to:
In doing this, you will find that the most successful listener doesn’t respond just to the words he or she hears. Instead, they look beyond the words for the feelings and the intent. By doing this, you ensure you receive the entire message every time.
Other tools and techniques for becoming the best listener possible include containing your desire to ask questions during the process in which the speaker is sending the message to you. Instead, continue to listen intently. Remember, the answer to your question may be in the message, but you have to continue listening.
Once you are fairly certain you understand the message, you can quit actively listening and respond with your own message (one that reaches beyond “parroting” the sender’s message).
Finding the Right Balance
For, to be an effective listener, you need to find a balance between listening, hearing and responding.
This does mean revealing your own position or providing appropriate input/feedback, but only at the right time.
If there is confusion, make sure you send the message back that you are unsure of what is being said or perhaps that you need clarification on a few points. This step, although it may seem otherwise, is actually part of listening.
Allow the sender of the original message to clarify without interrupting. Feel free to ask him or her to say it another way, but give the sender the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings before you jump back in.
Can you now see how effective listening now becomes more of an interactive process?
Continue to use eye contact and the “listening” body language we discussed in other articles in this four-part series. Be careful about crossing your arms or do anything that may be interpreted as being closed or critical, as both will damage the sender’s ability to provide you with a clear message and will negate your best efforts to effectively listen.
Do your best to remain empathetic and non-judgmental. Work to be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs (even if you do not agree) without invalidating or sharing your own position.
Clearing Hurdles... As we have previously pointed out, even your best efforts to become an effective listener can be thwarted by some all-too-common hurdles. We have briefly touched on a few of these, but have not included all of the following.
Be wary of rehearsing what you might want to say before you say it: This has your mind focused on your next comment and not the speaker’s message . Be careful about judging the sender and the message too early: If you judge someone to be incompetent, you are likely to not place importance on his or her message. What if your judgment is wrong? Perhaps they know exactly what they are talking about, and their message is of great importance to you or your work.
And fight the urge to identify with everything the sender says to you. If you take everything you are told and relate it back to your own thoughts or experiences, you are not allowing yourself to understand how it relates to the sender. This is one of the most important components of effective listening. Even if you feel certain you have the solution to the problem being conveyed to you, take the time to hear everything the sender is conveying before conveying this. Don’t spend the time you should be listening working to come up with answers. During this time, you may miss what is most important. While you are listening, do not argue or debate with the speaker (if necessary, this can come later). Arguing too early may convey that you are disagreeable or that your focus is on finding things to disagree with, instead of hearing the message. Remember, “parrot” the message then engage in dialogue that is empathetic and constructive, but only after you have listened and heard all the speaker is conveying.
Everyone wants to be right, making the urge to twist the facts, make excuses or skew the message so that it favors your views a tough want to combat. Yet, being right is not nearly as important as being informed, especially when it comes to your success!
Sure, you want to be nice and supportive, as you should; but, do not placate. Being liked or popular is not the goal here. Hearing the message and acting accordingly is. Lastly, do not pretend to be listening. Sometimes this is the toughest thing to do, particularly when we’re rushing to get something done. Many of us find our minds drifting to our next appointment, preparing for the upcoming meeting for our boss, or thinking ahead to that incoming phone call. When it comes to effective listening, living in that moment is of the utmost importance.
In the final article of our four-part series on listening, we provide you with an outline for active listening, one that can be shared with team members, colleagues, and even spouses and friends! From the Mind Tools Newsletter. ã http://www.mindtools.com To subscribe to the newsletter, send a blank email to: join-mindtools@atomic.sparklist.com. |