Kate Atkinson
On a cold and snowy night in 1910, Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before she can draw her first breath. On that same cold and snowy night, Ursula Todd is born, lets out a lusty wail, and embarks upon a life that will be, to say the least, unusual. For as she grows, she also dies, repeatedly, in a variety of ways, while the young century marches on towards its second cataclysmic world war. => http://bit.ly/178CEbo
"In relation to others, gratitude is good manners; in relation to ourselves, it is a habit of the heart and a spiritual discipline."
-- Daphne Rose Kingma
"Character gets you out of bed; commitment moves you to action.
Faith, hope and discipline enable you to follow through to completion."
--Zig Ziglar
The other day I was in the Phoenix Airport on my way to a meeting in Denver. Unsure of how long it would take to get the car parked, get the luggage checked, get through the security line, and get to our gate, we (my husband Michael and I) ended up at the airport early. Once we parked our belongings at the gate, I did what I always do when I'm early to the airport; I headed toward the News Stand for the sole purpose of staring at the tabloid magazine covers. Yes, I know, it's a nasty habit, but before you cast your stones, I should tell you I only allow myself to read the COVERS of the magazines. JUST the covers. And even in those few moments I can feel my brain cells rotting and my dislike for humanity mounting.
However, on this particular trip to the News Stand I witnessed something much more fascinating, and disturbing, than any tabloid could offer.
In this particular News Stand there was a friendly looking gentleman. He had a pleasant face that was graced with a cheerful smile. He and I were hovering in the same area; I was looking at the magazines, he was looking at the Snickers bars. Though, "looking" wouldn't be the right word -- "agonizing over" would be a better way of putting it. You see, this friendly-seeming man was about 200 pounds from healthy. As we stood silently by each other, I could hear him as he struggled to breathe, and watch him shift uncomfortably from foot to foot as he worked his way down the candy display.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he picked up a regular sized Snickers with his right hand and a KING sized Snickers with his left. He looked at his two options, back and forth, back and forth. He rolled them around in his hands, crinkled their wrappers, contemplating his decision. After at least a minute, he reached to put the regular sized one back ... a shame, I thought. He was so close.
But then, like a flash of lightening from above, at the very last moment , he THREW the KING sized Snickers back. It landed atop the gum with a deafening THUD. The man turned and looked at me with regular Snickers in his hand. Gripped it tightly, shrugged, and smiled.
For a moment, I saw a glimpse of pride on his face; the kind of pride that comes from taking control of your life. Granted, it wasn't the BEST decision, but it WAS a step in the right direction and it was clear he was pleased with himself. I smiled back and nodded; a silent congratulations for a job well done.
He took his regular sized Snickers strutted to the register where a 50ish woman waited. She was friendly in an abrasive sort of way, and as I moved to look at the cover of Men's Health I heard her say to the man (who was still in the glow of his recent victory):
"Sure you don't want the KING sized Snickers? Looks awful good..."
The man who had just made a good decision, froze. He stared at the woman behind the counter. In that moment, it was as if the Phoenix Airport stopped.... As he stared at the abrasive woman behind the counter, I stared at him. The woman reached for the KING sized and waved it in front of his face. "Don't do it. Don't do it," I willed him. But in the next moment, he nodded, took the KING sized Snickers, paid, and slowly walked away.
I wanted to say something, but it wasn't my place. As he walked past, he didn't look my way, instead he looked to the ground and to the KING sized decision he held in his hand.
Now, it would be easy to blame the woman behind the counter for the demise of our Snicker loving friend. She didn't HAVE to offer him the KING size when he seemed to be perfectly content. However, it is not her fault; she was only doing her job (I swear they get paid on commission -- every time I try to buy a magazi... I mean, a pack of gum... they always ask if I would like water or a snack. It can't JUST be because they're really concerned for my hydration or hunger). No, the responsibility lies solely in the man who ultimately made the choice.
We relate to this man. Whether you struggle with your weight, or you struggle to make good financial decisions. Maybe you make poor decisions, of any size, in your personal relationships. Whatever your vice may be (and there may be many), we have all been here before; on the brink of a breakthrough, only to fall short with no one to blame but ourselves. Whether you've been there once or been there 100 times, there is an important lesson to learn here; one that may not be the most obvious.
Who you are now does not determine who you will be.
I'll say it again. Who you are now does not determine who you will be.
Sounds nice, right? Easy lesson, nice lesson, hopeful lesson. The catch is this: you have to MAKE it so. The difference between who you are NOW and who you will BE happens because of choice. It doesn't have to be a heroic choice, it can be small/consistent choices made everyday in the right direction, that make the difference. But they MUST be made and can only be made by you.
How do you do this?
First: start seeing yourself NOW as the person you will BE. If you're broke, start seeing yourself as un-broke. If you're alone, see yourself wrapped in the warmth of a healthy relationship. If you're heavier than you would like to be, see yourself thin.
Second: It is not enough to just SEE yourself there, you must start behaving in a way that mirrors the behaviors of the kind of person you will become. Un-broke people make sound decisions when it comes to finances -- do that now. Healthy people find joy in salads and low-fat dressing -- you should too.
Third: Stay focused. There is a good chance that others will continue to see you as you are now, and that's ok. It's not their fault. They may not be aware that you have made a decision to change; not aware that you are making small consistent decisions toward the person you wa nt to become. They may not SEE those small decisions or REALIZE what they are adding up to. Stay focused on YOU. On YOUR vision for yourself. And don't be afraid to verbalize your desires to those around you so they can aid in your transformation.
This is where I believe our friend at the candy counter went astray:
Perhaps he was seeing himself not as who he IS, but who he could BE -- well, healthy, happy...
I KNOW he was making a small decision in the right direction...
But when he got to the counter, the abrasive woman saw him as he WAS: a man who "must" love KING sizes. And instead of staying focused, instead of standing as a warrior for his future-self, he crumbled with the words "I will always be this" ringing in his defeated ears.
We all relate to this story. We have all been there. I just urge you to not go there again. Fight for your future self, and beware the woman behind the counter.
When all was said and done, I walked out of the News Stand empty-handed and heavy hearted. I took my seat at Gate C27 and waited for our plane to arrive.
(Post Note: Michael ended up sitting next to this man on the plane. When I told Michael this story, looong after the flight, he said, "That makes it worse ... he was such a nice guy.")
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Kindra Hall
Kindra Hall is a storyteller with 18 years of experience. She shares her stories on stage, in coaching sessions, and on her blog: www.kindrahalltellsall.com. She works with organizations and individuals to discover, craft, and deliver their stories in order to more effectively communicate their mission and values. She has performed on the stage of the National Storytelling Festival in Jonesborough, TN at the Exchange Place.
(copyright 2009 KindraHallTellsAll)
"Daddy, why is he all alone?"
Uhhh.
Leave it to a six-year-old to bring out your inner moron right in the middle of Daniel Larusso's karate training montage (The Karate Kid, 1984). The question caught me completely by surprise. He's training, I wanted to say. But he didn't ask what Daniel was doing; he asked why he was alone. And that caused some serious and surprising reflection.
"A fool may live all his life in the company of a master and still miss the way." So says Buddha, and he's right. Even expert instruction from the world's most gifted mentor will never give us their skill. Kung fu's great secret is in the words themselves: it is literally "masterful ability that comes through the work of one, lone person." That person is you or I.
True, most of us begin by hoping for some dusting of the master's transformative magic, that sheer association with him or her will short-cut the process and atone for our own wavering commitment and lack of resolve. And while there is some merit in finding such a teacher, Nature does not so easily dole out her gifts to the half-hearted seeker. Everything has its price. True mastery requires action - lots of it.
Maybe that is why my undergraduate BFA advisor didn't give me technical advice when I asked how to paint with pen and ink. He just looked at me with that mischievous grin and commanded, "Well, go get some paper and ink and get started then." He wasn't interested in bogging me down with tips and tricks and tidbits of information when I didn't even have the materials handy. I was busy fretting about my firstpainting while he was wisely (albeit annoyingly) trying to get me to do my 300th. He knew that none of his answers would really help me until I gained my own concrete experience.
The same goes for every worthwhile endeavor. Step by sometimes-agonizing-sometimes-exciting step, a master tells you where to dig for your own mastery. The fool contents himself with knowing where it is. The seeker digs for it. And digging is what yields the reward: opportunities, experiences, and understanding that have always been there, but just beneath that first (or 400th) shovelful of soil. The sweat, the aches, the tears, the blisters, the sweltering heat, and, yes, even the need to keep digging when everyone else has gone home to bed or to parties - all of these are part of the price of mastery. Without them, all you can afford is a cheap imitation.
Of course, all of this rumination happened in the space of a few seconds with The Karate Kid theme music playing in the background. After which, I turned to my inquisitive son and told him, "If you really want to get good at something, to truly master it, you will have to practice on your own a lot. That's just how it works."
Not because solitude is required all the time, but because others simply cannot stick around for everything you still have left to do. And they certainly can't do it for you.
Robert Gardner stands ready to help individuals and businesses breakthrough their own limitations by giving them the gift of personal mastery. 25 years of diligent study in the martial arts, personal development, and inspired leadership have brought him to this point. Are you and your colleagues ready to begin? For more information or to experience a class with him at Chinese Shaolin Kung Fu, go to http://phoenixshaolin.com.
The best of a book is not the thought which it contains, but the thought which it suggests; just as the charm of music dwells not in the tones but in the echoes of our hearts.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
Can you recall what anger in a relationship feels like? Anger is a learned reaction to something negative in a situation, often referred to as a trigger. It’s best described as an unbridled horse. For instance, if you do not take control, it is likely to control you.
I would like you to think about what provokes your anger. Make a list of your specific anger triggers. Now, look at your list and think of additional ways to help deal with stressful situations. This simple exercise will help you to recognize and then admit to your anger.
Keep in mind that anger is controllable and a choice that you can choose to do something about if you want. If you tell your spouse or partner when you are angry, then it will help avoid a situation that could be otherwise pushed to the boiling point.
Are you beginning to see how choosing to control your anger is an important first step?
Now I want you to go deep into your own mind and visualize the signs when you are angry. Are you trying to conceal your anger by using sarcastic remarks toward your spouse or partner, wanting to lash out at someone or just feeling altogether aggravated?
If you feel hot and flushed and your heart is pounding rapidly, there is a good possibility you’re angry. Other signs of anger include feeling tense or your head is throbbing because your blood pressure is skyrocketing. Stop yourself! Calm down before you say or do anything you are going to regret later.
When it comes to anger in a relationship, always try to understand the other person's point of view. It’s not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes but it can be done if you try hard. Be aware that the other person does not enjoy your anger anymore than you do.
Just because you have a misunderstanding, be willing to cut the person you love some slack whenever possible. When you argue with your partner, do so in a helpful manner. Never, ever call the other person names or bring up experiences that happened in the past because it can serve to drum up painful memories.
Never begin a sentence with "You never," instead focus on explaining how you feel, such as by saying, "I need" or "I want." This helps to deflect some of the anger and doesn't put the other person on the defensive right away.
Sometimes in order to keep the peace it is necessary to walk away from a situation that is bringing up angry feelings on both people's parts. Often getting away from a situation will help you put it into perspective and then after you feel better you can go back and set things right.
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Author: John Doetsch Don’t let procrastination, hesitation or fear stop you. You can easily control anger in a relationship by visiting this site now: http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/
"Every positive change - every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness - involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception."
-- Dan Millman
Far from the Tree
Andrew Solomon
Winner: The National Book Critics Circle Award 2012 General Nonfiction
Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award, a Books for a Better Life Award, and one of The New York Times Book Review’s Ten Best Books of 2012, this masterpiece by the National Book Award-winning author ofThe Noonday Demon features stories of parents who not only learn to deal with their exceptional children, but also find profound meaning in doing so—“a brave, beautiful book that will expand your humanity” (People).
Andrew Solomon’s startling proposition is that being exceptional in some way is at the core of the human condition—that difference is what unites us. He writes about families coping with deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, or multiple severe disabilities; with children who are prodigies, who are conceived in rape, who become criminals, who are transgender. While each of these characteristics is potentially isolating, the experience of difference within families is universal, and Solomon documents triumphs of love over prejudice in every chapter.
All parenting turns on a crucial question: to what extent should parents accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves? Drawing on ten years of research and interviews with three hundred families, Solomon mines the eloquence of ordinary people facing extreme challenges.
Elegantly reported by a spectacularly original and compassionate thinker,Far from the Treeexplores how people who love each other must struggle to accept each other—a theme in every family’s life.<The New York Timescalls it a “wise and beautiful” volume, “that shoots arrow after arrow into your heart,” and says that it “will shake up your preconceptions and leave you in a better place.”
Andrew Solomon (born 30 October 1963) is a writer on politics, culture and psychology who lives in New York and London. He has written for The New York Times, The New Yorker, Artforum, Travel and Leisure, and other publications on a range of subjects, including depression, Soviet artists, the cultural rebirth of Afghanistan, Libyan politics, and deaf politics. His book The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression won the 2001 National Book Award, was a finalist for the 2002 Pulitzer Prize, and was included in The Times list of one hundred best books of the decade.
The reading group guide for Far from the Tree includes an introduction, discussion questions, ideas for enhancing your book club, and ideas for teachers. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.
