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How to Receive and Give Gifts in
Conversation
For many of
us, this is a season of receiving and giving
gifts. It reminds me that in conversation,
people offer you gifts and you have a chance
to gift gifts in return. But, do you see the
gifts others are offering you? If you do, do
you accept them or reject them?
The gifts I’m talking about aren’t tangible
– no iPods, gift cards, or chocolates. These
are gifts of understanding, learning, and
connection.
What is a gift in conversation? A
gift is something a person says to you that
- if you acknowledge it and explore it –
creates an opportunity to deepen the
conversation. It helps you better
understand how the person is thinking and
feeling. It helps the person and you explore
each other’s needs. It helps the two of you
figure out how to work together better.
How to recognize and open a gift.
What does a gift in
conversation look like? Some gifts are easy
to recognize because they come wrapped in a
compliment.
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When a
colleague says, “You did a great job on that
presentation to the directors,” the
compliment is not the gift. The gift is the opportunity for you to learn
more about what the colleague thought was
great. You open and engage the gift when you
respond by saying something like, “Thanks.
I’m curious, what was it that I did that you
thought was great? I’m asking because this
way I can make sure to keep on doing it.”
Unfortunately, some of the most valuable
gifts you are offered in conversation come
horribly wrapped. They look bad, sound bad,
and can even feel bad to open. Because we
judge the gift by its wrapping, we don’t
like to open these gifts - and we are poorer
for it. Imagine you’re having a conversation
with a direct report about her performance
and she says, “I would have achieved all my
goals this year if I had support from you.”
If you ignore the comment, simply disagree,
or say, “We’re here to talk about your
performance, not mine,” you’ve just rejected
the gift you’ve been offered. If you want
to open the gift, try saying something like,
“I thought I was supporting you. Tell me
more; what are you thinking I was doing or
not doing that didn’t support you?”
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If you want to
get better at recognizing and open gifts,
look for times in a conversation where the
person says something that bothers you,
confuses you, or that you disagree with.
These are powerful opportunities for
learning.
How to give a gift in return.
When you accept a person’s gift – no matter
how terribly wrapped – and respond with
curiosity and compassion, you are giving a
gift in return. In short, you are creating a
safe space to talk about things that really
matter. This type of gift is priceless.
As you get together with family and friends
in the coming days, be generous in your
conversations. Look for gifts you can
receive and ways to respond that deepen your
relationships.
Written and edited by Roger Schwartz,
copyright Roger Schwarz & Associates, 2007.
All rights reserved.
http://www.schwarzassociates.com/
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